Hi, I’m Gina, and I’m so glad you found me! I’m a pediatrician living in Michigan who has struggled with depression for most of my life. I’m an introvert and a bit socially awkward, which makes it hard for me to find my people. As a doctor with depression, I’ve felt very alone most of the time. I’m guessing you can relate to this. After searching for years for other people like me, I finally decided to take the leap and create a space myself where we can all come together.
But my story really started years ago….
I was first diagnosed with depression in college. I started to feel tired all the time, and found myself crying over everything. Getting out of bed became a struggle, and I was barely making it to class and work. All I wanted to do was sleep, because sleep was the only time I could escape from how terrible I felt inside. Does this sound familiar to you? Luckily, I was able to find some help in the form of medication and counseling, and things started to improve.
Fast forward to residency, one of the most stressful times in a doctor’s life. I started out strong, but as the long hours and sleeplessness took their toll, I again found myself sliding back into depression. Not surprising, as up to 30% of residents are depressed at some point during their medical training. It’s hard to believe how alone I felt when so many others must have been going through the same thing. I’m glad I was able to find help again; I don’t think I would have made it through residency if I didn’t.
Despite the rigors of residency, and my accompanying depression, I decided to continue my medical training by pursuing a fellowship in Pediatric Oncology. I thought I was prepared for this new role, but there was a whole new level of emotional stress that came with it. I’m sure many of you understand and have been in similar situations. When depression again started to creep up on me, it brought with it a stunning array of suicidal ideations. These were intense and very difficult to deal with.
By the time I completed fellowship, I was so burned out that I was unable to work at all for about 6 months. I should have spent this time looking for my first “real” job, but I wasn’t even sure that I wanted to be a doctor anymore. I had to start thinking about what I wanted out of my career and my life. I decided that the most important thing to me was staying close to family and friends – I needed that support network to stay healthy and grounded.
Despite having many friends in the medical field, I never really knew other doctors that seemed to have the same struggles that I did. My depression makes me feel isolated. Research has taught me that this isn’t really true; physicians have a higher rate of depression than the general population. Similarly, the rate of suicide is one of the highest of any profession. I know my people are out there, I’ve just had trouble finding them.
After scouring the internet for books and blogs by physicians with depression, it seemed that very few people were sharing their stories. This makes sense if you are a physician – we know that the stigma of mental illness seems even higher at times in medicine, even though we should know better. We’re afraid of what admitting to mental illness could do to our careers, how our colleagues will view us, how we will view ourselves. We are taught that we cannot make mistakes, that we must be infallible. Depression does not fit within these parameters.
I realized that if I wanted to see things change, that I had to change too. I decided to share my story in the hopes that it would bring together others with similar experiences. We need a safe space where we can share our thoughts and struggles. I hope that this can be that safe space.I want you to know that you are definitely not alone. And the fact that you found your way here means you are ready to start sharing and healing. I’ve been there and I know what a dark, hopeless place depression can be. But we are all on this journey together, and together we can find our way out.