What am I doing here?

This is the question I’ve been asking myself for months, if not years.  The voice in my head constantly asking, “Who is going to want to read anything you have to say?”  And honestly, I’m not really sure.  So why the hell should I even bother?  What I do know is that for years I have been searching for a blog just like this to show me that I am not alone in my struggles and allow me to speak with others who are experiencing similar feelings and situations.  Since I couldn’t find what I wanted, I finally decided to create it myself.  I am by no means a writer and tend to say exactly what I’m thinking, so please don’t take offense to anything in this blog.  

My name is Gina and I’m a doctor, a pediatrician.  I have also been struggling with depression for most of my life.  Neither of these things on their own makes me special or even out of the ordinary. But when you combine them you enter a whole new less-than-enviable category.  The rate of depression is higher in doctors than in most other professions, and the rate of suicide is one of the highest.  But most doctors continue to suffer in silence, afraid to publicly acknowledge their mental health struggles.  

To many of you this probably seems ridiculous – we help patients with the same problems, why can’t we help ourselves?  You may have heard that doctors make shitty patients, and sometimes that is true.  But I think the bigger issue is that we are afraid of the negative consequences a public admission could have on our careers.  Many people have that fear and there is still a lot of stigma surrounding mental health no matter who you are.  But many doctors still have the view that we must be infallible, showing no weaknesses and behaving as though we are super heroes.  As a result, those that do speak up about their mental health are often shunned by their peers instead of treated with compassion.  

In many states, when you apply for a medical license you are required to answer at least one question about the state of your mental health.  Your license could be denied or revoked if you admit to any kind of struggle.  When applying for jobs, doctors generally have to account for every month of their professional life since training.  So, if you ever took a few months off for mental health reasons, you will spend your life explaining why employer after employer.  These are just a few of the reasons why doctors tend to stay silent about their struggles with depression or other mental health issues.  I hope that this blog will be a way for me to share my story, and will encourage others to share theirs.  I guess the only way to make a change is to BE the change.  So here goes nothing.